Just More News

Well the morning started on a sour note. My check engine light came on last night while I was out, so what else is new? Anyhow, I woke up early and took it on down to the closest mechanic. They were packed, everyone had the same idea I did – get there early, no long wait times. Suuuure. I parked in the most available spot, as all sides were occupied, then went into the office. The mechanic comes out and starts to flail his arms, obviously cursing my car sitting in this spot. So I walk outside and this is how the convo went:
Me: “Hey, sorry. Do you need me to move my car. I didn’t really know where to put it since you’re packed.”
Him: “Well, you’re not supposed to know where to put it, are you?
Me: …
Him: “What’s wrong with it?” *Appears annoyed to even be seen in the same proximity as myself*
Me: “It’s throwing a code at me. I was hoping you could read it.”
Him: “Throwing a code?!” *Aggravated tone*
Me: “Yes, the check engine light is on.”
Him: “Well there isn’t much I can do about that right now, is there? All these other people here, you just need to bring it back at 11 or so.”
(There was more nastiness and obvious rude body language.)
I just said thanks, see you later. Left and went to the next mechanic, someone who has fixed my car many times and has always been nice to me (Should have gone there first.) He was sweet as pie, came right out and checked my code for me.
Thankfully, it’s nothing major and he erased the code, then told me to keep an eye on it.
Something about how people treat me differently when Nettie isn’t with me. I don’t know what it is. The people who are pleasant to me when she is around, sometimes turn into assholes when I am by myself.
Yesterday in Walmart is a good example. I asked the man in the vitamin section if they had an B2. He didn’t even look at me, shook his head, said nothing. So I said thanks…you know, you didn’t even try to look, whatever.
On down the line when Nettie is with me, I asked about a certain memory foam petbed. The woman, not even her section, jumped right on it came on over to me and Nettie and offered help. Checked in the back, even told me I could get a discount since the only one on the shelf was damaged. (I don’t know if it’s just people, or what. Just seems like when she is with me, they are different. I guess she has a presence.)


This week has just been shit. I had a massive migraine start on Monday night, had to be out of work on Tuesday with nausea, throbbing head, partial blindness in my left eye, overwhelming guilt from feeling as if I let everyone down. Wednesday was a migraine hangover day, yay.

Thursday was better. We took Nettie’s grandpa out to Chinese with us, spoiled him. Then went to Wal-Mart and bought some necessities with our tax return. I got 10% off of a memory foam dog bed for Draco. The one I wanted was stained with something and there were no more in the back, so they discounted me to take the damaged one. Draco loves it to death.

Friday, today, was the mechanic stuff…

Also this week, one of our best friends lost his father to Cancer. 😦 So we’ve been sending our condolences on that.

Then earlier in the week, my mother informed me that she has a marker for Lupus. Not really sure where to go with that information. She’s obviously upset and so are we. Dad is making sure she’s taken care of. I just want them back out here so bad.

Taking Nettie to the hairdresser, we had a bleaching gone wrong. Not sure what happened there. Our hairdresser is going to fix it for her, then I am going to dye it light blue.

That’s all for now, I guess.

-Jess

 

 

 

 

 

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Touching Base

Hey, guys.
I know I’ve been quite absent and/or quiet on the home-front. However, I’ve been sorting through some issues, a lot of physical discomfort really. I have my good days and bad days.
In the last few months, I’ve been having major flare ups involving my joints. There has been a lot of swelling, discomfort, physical illness (I keep catching whatever cold or respiratory issues is circling around at the time). I’ve been breaking out in rashes and hives at the least bit of stress, increased panic as a result.
I recently went to see my neurologist for my yearly check up, I wait that long because my seizures went away and now I’m just dealing with managing Chronic migraines and headaches. This is the third neurologist I’ve been through, as they keep moving. My first was a woman and she moved practices, second was a man and his wife wanted to move to Atlanta, third is a man and he is really nice from what I can tell. They’ve all been very attentive to my needs. This time, I took my wife with me and she helped me convey all that I’ve gone through as of late. He has referred me to a Rheumatologist and wants to see me back in 3 months to see where we’re at.
I’m nervous about my Rheumatologist visit next month…mainly because I’ve never been to one and I hear the test for RA and Fibromyalgia can be very intense. Both run in my family. Wifey has already promised to go with me. Also, I’ve told a friend about needing to go and she just offered herself up as support for the day, even to drive me there. So that makes me wonder how bad it will be, lol.
The Neurologist ordered blood tests to check my inflammation and antibodies, also my iron because he suspects restless leg. I need to get some B2 as that is supposed to help out.
Saturday I spent the entire day in bed pretty much. Every joint was on fire, my head hurt, then my cycle wanted to start that night. I have read that autoimmune disorders do get worse around a woman’s menstrual cycle. So that’s another thing I need to tell my Rheumatologist.
On another note, I’ve started sleepwalking again. I used to do it a lot as a girl, my parents even had to bar the sliding glass door so I wouldn’t get out. I used to walk all around the house. Doing that again lately, turning on lights in my sleep, walking to the bathroom and forgetting how I got from there back to bed. Having dream type hallucinations where the entire room changes (Think post apocalyptic decimation for one example). I told my psychiatrist about it yesterday and she kind of just stared at me, then mentioned possibly undergoing hypnotherapy with a specialist. Kind of nervous about what that would uncover…there’s probably something locked in the deep, dark recesses of my mind that shouldn’t see the light of day…lol.
tl;dr – I’m having increased joint pain, swelling, feeling not so great and am scheduled to see a rheumatologist soon. Parasomnia is kicking up again.

-Jess

Update

I haven’t updated since the whole Trump post. I’ve been depressed, though not just over the new president elect. Other things have happened.

My wife’s grandmother passed away on the 28th of November. She had been declining since being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, as well as frequent UTIs, and Parkinson’s (or so I was told about that last one. Though I believe it, she was always having tremors.)

She was an amazing woman. She taught my wife how to read and write, as well as nurtured her love of reading and writing. I claimed her as a grandmother as well. I never got to meet either of my grandmothers, but am told how much I take after both. Her grandmother accepted me as well, letting on that she knew about our relationship long before we even came out to Wifey’s grandparents.

Her memorial is tomorrow. She was cremated just like she always wanted to be.

We’re left with the good memories of her and how she should be remembered, rather than the declining health she was suffering. Granny was a woman who loved her family deeply.


I’ve been falling into a deeper depression. Have wanted to cry, yet find myself unable to. Part of it is the holiday season, I think.

I miss my family in California and want them nearby. My uterus is putting me through baby fever and I find the want for a baby growing stronger (Probably because my brother’s girlfriend is giving birth to their first daughter. They have one son together, and he has claimed her two sons from a previous relationship.) I’m incredibly happy for them, but still find that I want one of my own sooner rather than later. Also, so many of our friends and family are announcing pregnancies. We’ll get there one day…calm your ovaries.


In order to cope with crushing depression and anxiety, I’ve been immersing myself in crafts and holiday festivities: Wrapping, decorating, baking, buying gifts, donating gifts to needy causes, etc.

I hate anxiety and depression. I honestly feel like it runs my life sometimes. :/

There is a never ending fear of someone saying something, doing something, upsetting someone I love. It would be nice to shake it.

In happier news, I did get to see Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them – it was amazing. I loved all of the characters and creatures, which is to be expected since I adore the Harry Potter universe.

Lately, I’ve focused more on myself after taking care of my wife and her grandfather’s needs. Her mother as well, but that’s a whole other ball game right there. (She deserves her own journal entry…)

In the new year, I want to start reading more. Reading makes me happy, video games make me happy, art makes me happy, baking makes me happy, Cooking makes me happy, crafting makes me happy. These are all things I need to remember. I need to remember that it’s okay to focus on myself and I don’t have to feel like I’m a completely selfish and terrible person for taking care of myself and doing things I love.

Within that same vein, I’ve been taking better care of myself. Wifey and I are taking multi-vitamins with biotin and my hair looks amazing. We’ve been taking better care of our skin. I’m starting to feel beautiful again. (Feeling beautiful for me is a miracle in and of itself. My self-esteem is so low and has taken years to build back up to something more tolerable, even if it dips down in bouts of depression and anxiety.)

Please think before you say that terrible thing to someone, or before you put them down as it can have terrible effects for years to come. I was continuously teased throughout school for various reasons…mostly my freckles. Of course I’ve come to accept and love my freckles.

I digress. Be good to one another.

-Jess. ❤

P.S. I made myself a Nightmare Before Christmas wreath to cheer myself up. Picture below. Cost me only a couple of dollars, some skill, our laminator, glue gun, and a bit of time.

wreath

Fear and Living

Hey all,

I know that I probably don’t have a single follower on here, except maybe my wife and one or two others. But even so, it’s important to get these thoughts down whether or not anyone sees them.

I haven’t updated this thing in so long, which is on me. Often times, I really don’t know how to put into words how I’m feeling. It’s difficult for me to express my emotions to other people, sometimes even my own wife.  I’m in the percentage that keeps all of these things bottled up inside of myself, letting them out in ways that are deemed self-destructive – in my case a panic attack or more often as of late, testy anger. 😦 I’m not an angry person, but I do get impatient with a lot of things.

With all of the talk of these election results circulating, I wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere. I’ll be the first to say that I voted for Hillary Clinton. People have told me I’m wrong because of her stance on Abortion. I believe in a woman’s right to choose. I believe she shouldn’t have to be shackled to a rapist, nor that she should have to worry about dying because her child is killing her slowly, or that she should be forced to birth a still born child, etc, etc…nastiness. I’m not here to talk about my stance on Abortion, so I digress.

Actually, I wanted to speak about hatred and the deplorable things that have followed in this election. (Yes, I did use deplorable. Don’t string me up now.) Both sides are to blame. A good number of Clinton supporters have acted ugly, just as much as Trump supporters. It’s vile. I promise that not every Clinton supporter burns flags and attacks people, just as I know not every Trump supporter is a racist bigot who hurts others.

Facebook itself is becoming a dangerous place to hang about. I’ve ignored most of my feed as of late, just opting to check on tags and personal messages. I’ve seen a good number of Trump supporters posting their smug victory memes. There have been Twitter responses on the disgusting things minorities have faced as a result of this election, because we are going to be led by a man who shows that it’s okay to treat people this way. Not only is he a spokesperson for our country to others, but he is a role model for our younger citizens as well. Little boys will think it’s okay to treat women in such ways. Little girls might have to think they need to take it, which they don’t.

I’ve seen posts about people ripping Hijabs from the heads of Muslim women, telling them to hang themselves with said fabric. I’ve seen posts telling Asians to go back to their country. There have been posts toward LGBTQ people about burning in hell because they love someone. Posts towards African-Americans saying they should go back to their country.

I know minorities in these categories who voted for this man and what his campaign stood for. 75% of my county voted this man into office, I was in the 25% who voted differently.

Recently, I received a slap in the face. My own father voted Trump into office. I’m not going to whine about how I hate him for it, because I don’t. I am a Daddy’s girl through and through, so I could never hate my father. However, I am greatly disappointed in him. There were a great number of articles outlining his plans for the LGBTQ community, which I shared, that I showed him. In the end it seemed to make no difference. He’s focused on the economical aspect and Immigration reform. (You know our family is heavily of Irish decent. Our own family ties are to immigrants who traveled to America for a better life. We’re all immigrants in one way or another save the Native Americans, because this country is a melting pot of different races, religions, cultures, etc.)

When I asked my father who he voted for, he skirted the issue and told me it wasn’t important, that we should all love each other regardless of votes (Which is true). However, in that moment I knew what his ballot had said. My mother texted me the next day with something along the lines of, “Your dad was afraid to tell you, but he voted for Trump. Don’t hold it against him. I’ve been bagging on him about it all. I don’t think he sees the whole picture.” Mom voted Hillary and has become even more Liberal in her years. Awesome.

I could never hate anyone for how they voted and I refuse to sink to the level of spewing any sort of negative response over how things have turned out. I don’t accept Trump. Honestly, the only thing I’ve seen thus far that might be of any great help is his want to fix the mental health system.

………………..

Whenever I express how terrified I am of the future, it gets brushed aside as a non-issue by a lot of people. I am in the LGBTQ minority, because I am happily with a woman and have been for the past almost 13 years. People have told me I’m going to hell simply for loving someone. That makes no sense to me considering God has said we need to love one another. Then again, I don’t go to church any longer. I was too heavily judged while being surrounded by hypocrites.

The other day, I went into our back room just to look at my marriage certificate. Our community could lose everything that has been fought for over these years, because apparently we’re wrong for wanting the same rights as everyone else.

Even at work I’ve had to justify my own marriage to those who think I’m wrong. I’ve been widely accepted in the workplace by co-workers and patients, but there’s no telling how they think or what they say when I’m not around. One of them made his thoughts known to me. Homosexuals don’t deserve the same marriage as heterosexual couples, because God says it’s wrong. God says a lot of things are wrong, yet you cherry pick things to fit your own life.

Thankfully, I had a few days off after the election to just be at home and cool my jets. I return to work tomorrow and will see if anyone thinks differently…there’s been a bit of fear. Friends have posted their stories on how co-workers are acting toward them, around them, and to others. It scares me to think I might be treated differently. Still, I have faith that there are those who will remain decent. Plenty of straight allies work with me, so there’s that.

I’m tired of watching my wife have multiple panic attacks every day right now, because she’s scared. I watched her hyperventilate the other night…this hurts my heart. I love her so much.

With this bit of rambling, I’m going to close.

There’s probably so much more I could say, and I know I’m not the best of writers. Like I said, I have trouble expressing my emotions and getting them down.

TL;DR – I’m scared for my friends, family, and everyone out there. I’m trying to have hope but it’s looking really bleak at this point in time. Some of my own family members voted for a man who promised vile things in regards to minorities.

P.S. Love each other, be decent. Hug each other despite our differences.

Be kind to each other. Be kind to yourselves. Love one another. Christmas is coming and I know people will be warm and decent then. But remember to do so year round. Keep an open mind and help your fellow man. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

-Jess

Derogatory usage of words

Let’s take a moment to discuss the word ‘Gay’. Over the years, Gay has been drastically changed from its original meaning which is as follows:

Gay – an adjective meaning happy, jolly or merry.

Right? Right. Well, that meaning has been bumped down to about the fifth slot now in favor of associating it with someone attracted to another of the same gender, which is great! Homosexual, gay, gay is happy and we are all happy, right?

Well, I notice that even the slang is noted and referenced.

Slang: Often Disparaging and Offensive. awkward, stupid, or bad; lame: This game is really gay.
 
Which I suppose is cool, we should know that the current generation is a bit lacking and relies on different forms of many slang words.
I’m not so arrogant as to assume I have never offended someone. I have, and have apologized and become more conscious of my words and thoughts as a result.
 
Story time!
 
I’ve been sitting on this for a bit, stewing even. I was at work having a rather fun conversation with my co-workers. I don’t ever really bring my sexual orientation to mind when talking to others, it doesn’t really matter to me whether someone is gay, straight, bisexual, trangender, etc. However, it was called to attention quickly when during a conversation about a straight couple and the male’s sensitivity that another co-worker declared, “That’s gay.”
 
I paused, gathering my thoughts and thinking of what to say in response to such a quip. “Is it bad to be gay?” I questioned, looking him straight in the eye. Suddenly everyone stopped and stared, mouths agape with the new tension swirling around the area.
 
“No.” He responded, “What I mean to say is…it’s not gay, well, I mean gay as in girly.”
“Then why not say girly?” The manager interjected.
“Because it’s not girly per say, it’s well…when I say gay I mean it not like a bad thing but like…” He continued to trip over his words and I gained a look of aggravation, someone even declaring, “She’s getting mad, look at that tongue between her teeth and bottom lip!”
 
He eventually got frustrated and stomped out of the store, avoiding my gaze for much of the night. A female co-worker of mine talked things over with me and said, “I think you really kind of upset him. But I can see how he upset you too…I mean, you are gay.”
I nodded, “It’s not a bad thing and I don’t really appreciate the use of the slang term in such a bad way.”
She nodded back, “It just means lame or not cool, but I can see how you would take offense to that.” She and I continued to talk with another girl for much of the night, they remained pretty open about female/female and asked me a few questions about my relationship.
 
I’ve never been singled out or made to feel badly about my relationship with my wife. My co-workers have come to accept it and treat me no differently than a straight person. Though they do ask the occasional question about how girls date and such – which is cool since curiosity is great to an extent. I however do not share aspects of my sexual life with people, that’s a line I don’t look to cross and is very private.
 
In reflection of this situation, I have assessed a few things that I have always known: Some people don’t think before they speak, most people become so comfortable with your presence that they forget certain aspects about you and freely speak their mind, Some don’t care who they offend, Some have become so numb to the usage of certain words that it is reflexive for them to use a certain word or phrase.
 
I’m guilty of using certain words or phrases and have really cut back on saying such things, mostly when a friend expresses to me that they are offended or hurt by my choice. I do my best to remain conscious on the thoughts and feelings of others, which is why I mostly just keep things to myself when faced with some thoughts and feelings. Normally I leave the personal life and worries at the door when coming into work, but this was something that struck a nerve.
 
I’m going to get off of my soapbox now. I’m not perfect and have never claimed to me in any capacity, I just wish some would think before they speak.
 
Thank you. ❤

 

My feelings/what I don’t want to talk about.

I’ve been a little testy lately. Now that that’s out of the way, I think I’ll move on to other things.

I’ve been deeply depressed, in pain, emotional, forgetful…to name a few things. I feel like I can’t talk about these things with people.

For one thing, there is always someone else with worse problems than my own. For another, I feel a stab of anxiety when people say the words “Do you want to talk about it?” Because I am so conditioned at this point in my life to say, “I’m fine.” “I’m okay.” “I’ll live.”

I’m not alone. I do have my rock. Nettie is my spouse of nearly ten years now and we know each other so well, we get along and we never go to bed mad at one another. We aren’t perfect, but we’re as close as it gets. It’s perfect for me and I like that.

Lately I’m scared…I have so much fatigue and I want to sleep all the time, but I can’t. I feel utterly guilty when I close my eyes to get a wink of sleep. Then when I do sleep, it’s fitful and I have terrible dreams – this is my norm. My brain is overactive. My neurologist says that it needs to be cooled down. I need my blood pressure medication to do that. But then I have other problems…I feel guilty when I buy myself anything. Everything I have with the exception of some clearance item clothes and toiletries are things that were gifted to me. My car, my game systems, games, kindle, books…etc. I become anxious after buying things for myself. People ask me what I want as a gift and I freeze. I feel like I don’t deserve such things. But I am grateful for every friend I have that spoils me.

But my fear stems from the fact that I know I am probably sick. My mother has Fibromyalgia, it’s not an imaginary illness like most people think. It is very real and it is very debilitating. Even this journal tells me it’s spelled wrong. Eff you, spellchecker.

I digress…It’s a hereditary illness, which means I have a chance of getting it. And lately I feel like my time has come. I have a neurologist appointment in February and I am going to ask him to test me, if not refer me to a Rheumatologist (which this journal also says is spelled wrong). I’ve told my mom my fears and my symptoms lately and she agrees that it sounds like Fibromyalgia. Fatigue, painful flare ups, depression, anxiety, insomnia, a few personal bathroom issues..

Nettie playfully smacked my arm one night and it hurt forever. A co-worker playfully pushed me and it hurt for a good while.

My body is so sensitive right now and if it’s not Fibromyalgia, then I would really love to know what it is. It scares me.

I don’t talk about this with people all the time, because I feel like my problems aren’t as important as the people around me. I am used to taking care of people. Even when I’m sick, I shy away and become even more independent than I already am. I’m just used to taking care of myself and making myself better.

I keep a lot of things inside, they stew and fester inside of me until I have a panic attack. I already have PTSD and a panic disorder…though I think these stem from being silenced at so many points in my life. My problems don’t matter and they are better kept to myself, so why burden someone with that? I would rather help someone than burden them.

A friend asked me if I wanted to talk about how I was feeling today and I had a panic attack. I just don’t.

I’m a happy person by nature and I try to be an optimist, so when I am down, people push me to talk and it just causes me to break. Being an introvert isn’t easy in a world of extroverts…well, mostly. A lot of my co-workers enjoy talking quite a bit and when I come home, I just need to recharge in silence.

I have ranted. People wanted me to talk about how I feel; that is how I feel. My thoughts are there on a plate to be picked apart by knife and fork.

Just needed to get that off of my chest.

I’ll try to follow up after the Neurologist visit to see what he will want to do.

-<3

Goals

After seeing the post from a friend about long term goals and short term goals for the year, I decided to follow suit. Though it might be a little late after the new year! Then again, who needs a new year to start some change? No rules saying you can’t start whenever, right? 🙂

Okay, some things I have thought about :

1. Start a savings account and put money back every paycheck. (Why haven’t I done this yet!? Just been living paycheck to paycheck is all)

2. Try to get a place with Nettie. (Seriously, I am tired of living under people’s thumbs. We are tired of living with other people who tell us how to live. They complain every time we fart or something. Then I feel spied on. If I leave a receipt on the table, it’s a pretty good bet that Nettie’s grandma is going to read it and go on and on about the shit that we buy.)

3. Get a lockbox for my important papers and documents. (I need to be more organized about these things, seriously.)

4. Tackle the closet and go through clothes. (I try to do this every year anyway) Get rid of things I won’t wear anymore or things that are worn out. (I will keep a pair of PJ pants until they are falling off of me xD)

5. Become more organized and downsize. (We have a lot of media and things.) Go through the boxes that have just piled up in the garage and get rid of things I don’t use anymore. Someone else might find a great use for it.

6. Keep my car clean and nice. (It’s easy to just throw trash down on the floor sometimes and just ignore the dirt that accumulates. But seriously, I need to keep on top of that shit.)

7. Maybe get into the whole coupon thing like I have planned. (I know a certain someone that can help me!) 😀

8. Spend more time with friends. (I seriously need to make more time for friends. It’s hard with school and work sometimes, but I need to stop being such a homebody and get out to spend time with friends.) This could go with the whole coupon thing, since I know a certain miss that could help. 🙂

9. Read more. (Seriously, we have books coming out of our ears. And we found more boxes of them in the garage!) This could go with downsizing, read and decide what to get rid of. Maybe donate them to the library so that other people can read them too.

10. Watch the DVDs that we have. (Like really, they have piled up too. We decided on trying to make a watching night every week. Started The Walking Dead, last night. Which was pretty cool.)

11. Try to hash out all of my prerequisites at school and actually get into the nursing program. I really want to get through school and make a better life for me and Nets.

12. I guess this might be the last for now, don’t want to totally overwhelm myself. Draw more!!! I have neglected my art more and more. What goes along with this is bead more! Craft more! and generally make time for myself!

Sounds like a good lot of goals. Let’s see where it goes. 😀

This entry was posted on January 20, 2013. 1 Comment